Hello everyone and welcome back to Wrong Every Time. Unfortunately, we’ve reached the final months of summer, which in New England terms means I’ll now be experiencing two months of soggy foliage, followed by six months of relentless winter cold. Still, I’m determined to continue my heroic, commendable jogging habit, so I’m currently gathering my energy to: A: find a local gym, B: get a membership to that gym, and C: actually take advantage of said membership. I usually stop between steps A and B, but this year I’m feeling pretty good and will at least continue jogging outside as long as frost permits.
In other news, I’m now three-quarters of the way through Galaxy Express 999, and have also perused much of the recent Critical Role-related superhero game Dispatch. Apart from sometimes falling into that unfortunate “mom’s not home, we can say swear“This tone is common with online narratives, and the game turns out to be a charming family story anchored in a mechanical system reminiscent of the Japanese Yakuza Cabaret mini-game. Frankly, I would have started playing this game earlier if it had been about Cabaret; it’s nice to hear some familiar voices, but man, this mini-game is a top-notch time waste. Of course, there are plenty of movies showing, so let’s get on with the week!
First up this week is Holea 2009 fantasy horror feature film created by Joe Dante. After moving into their mysterious new home, the two brothers discover a trap door in the basement that leads to an apparently bottomless hole. After rigorous experiments revealed there was no safe way, strange phenomena around their home proved there had to be a way go outCreatures from the brothers’ darkest nightmares begin to creep into their lives, eager to draw the boys back into their private darkness.
The first two-thirds of “The Hole” show little sign that it’s coming from the director of “Gremlins” and “The Howling,” delivering a fairly entertaining but punishing PG-13 quasi-horror experience. The film’s greatest weakness is its protagonist. While the threats represented by the holes themselves are reasonably conceived and constructed, the two brothers facing them are simply incapable of expressing emotion, responding to each experience with the same stoic expression. Fortunately, the film’s final act delivers the full Dante experience, and the boys’ journey into the cave itself rewards our patience with a carnival of distorted landscapes, like an extension of Dante’s The Twilight Saga’s It’s a Wonderful Life. A better child protagonist would have made this a really good horror movie aimed at a younger crowd, but as it is, it still offers enough hostile build-up to keep me satisfied.
Then we looked at Roland Emmerich’s performance in 2019 halfwayFeaturing an extensive cast, it tells the story of World War II’s Pacific Theater from the bombing of Pearl Harbor to the fateful battle of the same name. With a rogues gallery of notable figures including officers, fighter pilots and intelligence operatives involved in the conflict, from Patrick Wilson and Dennis Quaid to Ed Skrein and Nick Jonas, Emmerich takes a long view of the strategic maneuverings, evolving conflicts and improbable turns of fortune that defined America’s war in the Pacific.
As you might guess from a broad overall attempt to turn one of the most tumultuous years in military history into a coherent narrative, Midway encounters some serious difficulties in constructing a dramatic thread between such disparate events as the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the Doolittle Raid on Tokyo, and Midway’s ultimate trap. Additionally, the film lacks much of a human element and feels more like a patriotic newsreel than a personal story. Emmerich seems to have too much respect for the historical record to weave it into a story. The intimacy that balances his apocalyptic dramas is usually provided by comic characters or families trying to reconnect in crisis, and Midway offers no such balance.
Still, the man clearly has a knack for creating mayhem, and the strong cast ensures that Midway is at least completely watchable, if not entirely driving. Nick Jonas actually fits the “hey, there’s Ives piloting a warplane” mid-century Hollywood vibe, and I’m always happy to see more of Jun Kunimura (and happy to have more opportunities to promote “The Cry”), and am growing fond of Alexander Ludwig, who is probably best known for his role as Cato in “The Hunger Games” and who also stole a lot of perfect viewing in “The Christmas Show,” often bombastic and completely skippable.
To compare this to Roland Emmerich’s version, we then looked at the 1976 adaptation of The War halfwaystarring Charlton Heston, is the top of a series of truly ridiculous period legends. The film stars Henry Fonda, James Coburn, Toshiro Mifune, Robert Mitchum… a ridiculous cast of stars, all of whom do their best to construct a coherent cinematic narrative in the lead-up to this strange and momentous battle.
In fact, it might be this version of the Midway problem. While Emmerich admits that a more or less accurate depiction of the battle would have required more plot and less story, this version’s screenwriter, Donald Sanford, constructed the drama with sand and air, introducing an inappropriate and fundamentally misguided love story involving Heston’s son and a young Japanese woman. Heston moves back and forth throughout the plot, seemingly taking on the role of at least three different soldiers, all in an effort to bring some continuity to the film, a “great man” narrative applied to historical events but in no way substantiating this view of history.
Both this film and Emmerich’s version emerge unexpectedly as a story that combines individual acts of cunning or heroism with overwhelming background statics of doom and incredible wealth, with victory or defeat often determined not by intentional warfare but by the vagaries of combat at sea. If this radio hadn’t malfunctioned, if that pilot hadn’t been in bed, if, if, if – the Americans had done an excellent job of setting a trap for the Japanese, but the success of that trap involved six turns of luck on their part, and at least as many improbable accidents on the part of the Japanese. Both movies tried to impress on me that American victory was a heroic inevitability, but the opposite was true: the war was won by luck, and its significance was only understood in hindsight.
The last time this week is jack the giant slayeris a 1962 feature-length adventure film starring Kerwin Mathews as the titular Titan-Smasher. He leads a quiet life in the Duchy of Cornwall, and his profile rises significantly when he rescues Princess Elaine from a giant kidnapper commanded by the evil wizard Pendragon. Entrusted by Elaine’s father to keep her safe while she is transported to a safe monastery, Jack braves witches, dragons, and other terrors on his journey, culminating in a confrontation with the evil Pendragon in his evil island fortress.
“Jake” offers a techno-heavy medieval adventure built largely in the mold of Sinbad’s then-adjacent heroics (in fact, Sinbad’s producers actually threatened to sue, forcing “Jake” to be temporarily re-edited as a musical). Colvin Matthews creates a fitting hero, who faces a variety of beasts from giants to golems to witches in adorable costumes as he saves his beloved princess. There are plenty of fun action highlights and the costumes are enjoyable, although the film’s script definitely needs some work. Pendragon’s plan only works because everyone else’s intelligence stats are set to zero, and the final scene contains some jumps between scenes that make one wonder if the crucial connecting sequence was left on the cutting room floor. Still, if you’re looking for that specific grandiose medieval-style adventure, Jack offers a reasonable alternative to the typical Sinbad characterization.
