Last month’s contest, which garnered more than 500 entries, featured a drawing of New Yorker cartoonist Kaamran Hafeez, who joined our panel of judges to help choose the winning entry and five finalists. I was out of town when the judging took place, but before I left I selected my top ten entries and sent them to Trevor Hoey.
Kaamran’s drawing is set in a science laboratory, where a scientist in a white coat and his colleague observe an ape sitting on a stool and typing on what appears to be a smartphone or tablet. The scientist is speaking.
Kaamran’s original title was a critique of social media: “We’ll have to take his phone away; he’s actually getting stupider.”
Several of you submitted similar reviews:
- “We gave him intelligence, but now social media is taking it away.”
- “He only posts nonsense but somehow he has millions of followers.”
- “The control group received flip phones. They still make eye contact.”
This entry alludes to the addictive nature of smartphones: “The experiment ended on Tuesday.”
The following headline cleverly points out that constant scrolling can replace real-life friendships, disrupt sleep, and trigger unhealthy comparisons to other people’s highlights: “The experiment is working. He’s miserable.”
When captive primates get bored, stressed, or angry, they sometimes throw out their feces, which is often the only thing they can grab, so I wasn’t surprised to see many scatological entries:
- “He used to throw feces. Now he posts.”
- “I wish you would stop texting me the poop emoji.”
- “Keep sending me poop emojis.”
- “Don’t provoke him or he’ll knock over his stool.”
That fourth entry is also the best pun of the month. And like that pun, the following title focuses on a minor detail in the drawing that most participants overlooked: “My God, you made him sit on a stool.”
Here’s the second best pun of the month: “He’s collecting data for us. He’s a survey monkey.”
I wasn’t expecting a lot of sex jokes, but we got a couple of good ones related to the prevalence of online porn:
- “He learned to close the tab when we got close.”
- “He was halfway through Shakespeare’s complete works until he discovered Internet pornography.”
That second title is a clever reference to the infinite monkey theorem, which posits that a monkey who presses the keys of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will write the complete works of Shakespeare. However, it would be much better if the person who sent it had replaced the word “until” with the word “when”, suggesting that the ape stopped thinking about Shakespeare the moment it saw a naked body.
Here is the second best reference to the infinite monkey theorem: “There’s no Shakespeare yet, but it has its own Substack.”
The following two entries highlight the importance of choosing only the correct word(s):
- “He’s doing his own investigation.”
- “He says he’s doing his own investigation.”
At first glance, they appear to be exactly the same joke, and the first version may even seem superior because it is shorter. But the second version is much better. He suggests that the ape is conducting his own studies because, like the current Secretary of Health and Human Services, he does not trust conventional science and has therefore rejected it. So while the first title is good, the second is topical and is a sharply critical commentary on the disturbing tendency to reject scientific experts and their methods and conclusions. It also suggests that Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. looks like an ape, and he does.
Speaking of appearance, several of you noticed that the ape bears a striking resemblance to the scientist:
- “He’s checking his family tree to see if we’re related.”
- “Should I feel insulted that your Face ID opened my phone?”
- “His face unlocked my tablet again.”
The next two entries show the scientist addressing not his assistant but the ape:
- “Use your thumbs.”
- “You used to tell us things. Now we get grunts.”
That second entry will resonate with parents whose children are glued to their screens. This is how this entry will be: “It’s already affecting your posture.”
Finding a partner is a personal need and not a goal of scientific testing, but I still liked this reference to dating sites: “He prefers to find his own partner.”
Here is the best metaphor of the month: “Finally, a cage from which he will not escape.”
And here is the best attempt at turning a common phrase into a suitable title: “Monkey sees, monkey publishes.”
Someone else sent the common phrase without changing a word: “The monkey sees, the monkey does.” And the next two subtitles make essentially the same joke:
- “They share 99% of our DNA. What did you expect?”
- “It’s a learned behavior.”
This is one of the few captions that the scientist’s assistant focuses on: “I don’t want to alarm you, but he’s applying for your position.”
Here’s an example of how to make a perfectly good joke by explaining it: “Or it may think the mirror is a smartphone and is trying to move on to the next image.” The second clause is completely unnecessary.
Here’s a nice role reversal title: “He said to wait here until he assigns us to a treatment group.”
Normally we don’t like meta jokes, but since you all submit your entries online we thought it was cool: “He’s surprisingly good at captioning contests.”
Here’s the best Darwin joke of the month: “If you are so evolved, why don’t you use the latest operating system?”
Almost everyone who has visited a website has clicked a box to confirm that they read a disclaimer and/or a lengthy contractual provision that they didn’t even scan. These two entries acknowledge that fact:
- “He read the terms and conditions. That’s not humane.”
- “This is the first time anyone has read the NDA.”
I’ll end this month’s commentary with four decent entries that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “Even with your primitive mind, you know not to click on email attachments.”
- “The first results show that we are foolishly wasting money.”
- “It’s actually not that impressive. Your spelling is terrible.”
- “Ask for your tablet back. I’ll be in the hallway.”
Congratulations to JOHN KONNO, who won the contest (and $563.24) with, “He says he’s doing his own investigation.” The runners-up are:
- “The control group received flip phones. They still make eye contact.” WAYNE KLINE
- “He used to throw feces. Now he posts.” WAYNE KLINE
- “Finally, a cage from which he will not escape.” WAYNE KLINE
- “It’s already affecting your posture.” KATHY WROBEL
- “This is the first time anyone has read the NDA.” CAROL LASKY
The winner and runners-up should be familiar to anyone following the New Yorker and/or CartoonStock subtitle contests. And one of them, Wayne Kline, accomplished something unprecedented this month by reaching the finalist round. three times (and earning $337.92 in the process). That’s amazing.
If you want to see how Bob, Trevor, Joel and Kaamran made their selections, they recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube channel.
Do you like what you see? Subscribe to our YouTube channel to watch more episodes of the Subtitle Contest.
Just a reminder, the rules have changed a bit. The winner will receive half of the money we raise from participants (which could be much more or much less than $500, depending on the level of participation), and the five finalists will split the balance. Additionally, there is no longer a limit on the number of entries you can submit, but after the first three you submit for a $5.00 entry fee, each additional entry is $3.00.
The prize money increases with each participant, so encourage your friends to play.
And if you haven’t already ordered my book in the subtitle contest even though it’s been available for almost two years, click the following link: